Monday, February 10, 2003

A little carryover from the previous blog - just something I knocked off quickly and sloppily with intent of recording and narrowcasting on TIRC...


ANNOUNCER: And now it’s time for Radium Crass’ nightly Concert Cancellation Report, sponsored by SassMart. I’m Flan O’McVonDeLeSmith, assistant erotic macramé editor for the El Mocambo Weekly Paragraph. Okay, big list tonight, let’s get started…

The Unsightly Crenellations’ 6 PM show at the Deviated Septum has been called due to equine encephalitis.

Guh, originally slated to appear as part of the local stop of the widely-acknowledged PetulanceFest 2000 tour, which has already been postponed for three years owing to Acetylene Puffball lead singer Acetylene Puffball-Herlihy’s near-fatal charlie horse, followed by his fatal charlie horse, has pulled out of the date because, as ocarinist Ked Thalamus explained, “We forgot where our instruments are,” unquote. Refunds are available at point of purchase. That’s Point-of-Purchase, Delaware, “the Park and Ride capital of Middle America which somehow showed up one day in Delaware.”

Donny Osmond’s Acid-Klezmer Electro-Zydeco Experience never existed in the first place. Sorry.

Page 16 of That English-Spanish Rhyming Dictionary You Have On The Floor Of Your Bedroom, an offshoot of Puerco Rico and the Morbidly Obese Latinos in spite of having no members in common, scheduled to perform for three straight evenings spread out over three non-consecutive months at various classified locations unknown even to the band, have postponed their scheduled kidnapping and eventual martyrdom at the callused but still somehow feminine hands of the New, Improved Symbolist Libation Army (now with matching shirts) until all parties involved can agree on the airdate for the long-rumored live pay-per-view disemboweling. I forgot where I was just then.

More cancellations and maybe a self-administered headrub right after this…

ANOTHER ANNOUNCER, RELATED ONLY BY MARRIAGE TO THE FIRST: This weekend at SassMart, your one-stop shop for the finest hand-crafted emotional distancing mechanisms, our annual international sarcasm sale! Inverted air commas straight from the U.K. - now only $8.50 per pair (limit ten per customer)! From France, an assortment of slightly used scowls and sneers - grab the grab bag at $17.00 each (not responsible for any deadening of olfactory receptors or human sensibilities caused by use of this product)! Slightly scary unblinking Sicilian ridicule! Curiously amusing Luxembourgian condescension! And even obscene Icelandic emoticons meant to signify some kind of pet belittlement! They're all here, for two days only, at SassMart, located right near that place with the weird guy always hanging around in front, you know the one I mean! Remember, you can't spell "smartass" without "SassMart"! (SassMart, your one-stop shop for snideness and irony for two decades, except for a two-week period in late 2001.)

FIRST ANNOUNCER, SEVERAL MOMENTS LATER: Look at Bob’s Cyst, set to appear at Leeno’s Bungalow of Near-Blues this evening, has had its performance called off by the management after it was discovered that it wasn’t actually a band at all, just a guy named Bob with truly perverse exhibitionistic tendencies.

And finally, Corpserape, the mutilation-metal octet whose latest release, I Fuck Your Spleen (The Christmas Album), has rocketed to #76 on the Metal Completist magazine “Other Albums Released This Month” chart, has called off all remaining dates on their North American tour when carcass-slapping percussionist Balthrrecck “the Goat-Sodomizer” Vlifrat’s kitty-cat got sick. MPEGs of Vlifrat sniffling inconsolably are available at their website,
bd623225dfd5f50086256b80000cdd6f!OpenDocument/ ohshitcloseitquickbeforemysupervisorgetshere.htm. Warning: pop-up windows actually pop up and may cause permanent ocular damage or facial abrasions.

And that's it for tonight's Concert Cancellation Report. This is Flan O’McVonDeLeSmith reminding you to pick me up in front of the taco place at the mall after work. Don't forget this time, it's friggin' freezing outside.

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