Sunday, October 28, 2007



FADE UP on easy-listening instrumental, voices overlaid.

VOICE #1: I like softcore.

VOICE #2: I won Robert Conrad's autograph on eBay.

VOICE #3: I've seen Krull seven times.

VOICE #4: I lasted almost eight minutes once.

VOICE #5: A girl smiled at me on the commuter rail one morning.

VOICE #6: I've had a letter published in Maxim.

VOICE #7: Most dogs seem to like me.

MARTIN SHEEN:* They're our country's overlooked majority. Scarcely remarked upon because they're so unremarkable. They're the slightly below-average men of America. And without them, society would be a somewhat similar place. They're your hardware store assistant managers, your sports drink enthusiasts, your Hyundai owners. They're the people who keep "According to Jim" on the air. And they're tired of being ignored, but really rather resigned to it. For mere pennies a day, you can help them maintain that extra fifteen pounds around their waist, pay for the upkeep of their moderate amount of back hair, keep them saying things like "How's it hangin'?" and "Boy, that Bill Engvall sure is funny." Your support can help. But don't worry if you can't. They're not all that concerned about it. The painfully average men of America - they're not going anywhere.

ANNOUNCER: Paid for by three guys nicknamed "Buddy."

* Note - he's probably not available, so call his brother Joe. You can probably get him when Zombiegeddon II is finished filming.


Trying to get back into the habit of posting on my blog(s) here - chipping away at my debilitating writer's block bit by excruciating bit. (I am once again shamed/pleased to note the arrival of the latest issue of The High Hat, which, once again, I had less than nothing to do with, though the editorial board has kindly allowed my name to remain on the masthead for the nonce. I'm actually trying to write a piece or two for the next full issue as we speak, and fully intend to have it/them drafted before I even pitch them to avoid the repeated embarrassments I've suffered previously, but not a word to the eskimos. Anyway, read it, it's good.) But oh, agh, whelp, not much of gravity or import to impart here yet again, so another bizarre YouTube clip will have to suffice in lieu of content. Did you ever wonder what it would be like if David Soul and Paul Ryder (Happy Mondays) had collaborated with a man in puppet drag on one of the Fall's greatest "hits"? Well, frenz, wonder no longer...