TEN HEADLINES DESIGNED TO DEPRESS MUSIC FANS OF A CERTAIN AGE STILL REELING FROM THE BREAKUPS OF R.E.M. AND THURSTON AND KIM EVEN MORE:

• Robyn Hitchcock: "I've Run Out of Varieties of Fish to Write Songs About"
• Henry Rollins Decides to Speak Only When Spoken To, Introduces New Fragrance: "It Smells Like Testosterone and Pain"
• Ian McCulloch Makes Self-Deprecating Comment
• Morrissey Named Wendy's Spokesman: "A Couple of These Baconators and I Don't Feel Cranky Anymore"
• Postmaster Admits Mistake, Starts Delivering Newsmagazines Published After 1987 to Jello Biafra's House
• Robert Smith: "So That's How You Apply Lipstick"
• David Bowie Has Original Idea, Cerebral Hemorrhage
• Red Hot Chili Peppers, Jane's Addiction Somehow Still Exist
• Iggy Pop Hospitalized After Body Rejects Shirt
• Lou Reed Records Album With Metallica