Monday, July 27, 2009

SECOND-HAND TWEETS #2: A MINI-ANTHOLOGY

More of my various contributions to sundry twitmemes or whatever the hell they're called...

#dregsofcriterion:
"Two or Three Things I Left At Her House"
"The Ringtones of Madame de..."
"Le Shower D'Or"
"Wise Phlegm"
"The Man Who Fell Over in His Driveway"
"Last Year at Marion Barry's"

#existentialjokes:
A: Knock knock. B: Who's there? A: (silence) B: All is lost.

A priest, a cowgirl and a penguin walk into a bar. They do not move.*

#binaryjokes:**
00010: 1100010!
100001: 0000000111?
00010: 1!

#badcharities:
Toil for Tots (the #1 outsourcer for the world's sweatshops)
The National Overendowment for the Tarts
Ah'm Nasty International (renowned worldwide for releasing those trapped in the closet)
The Shasta McNasty House
The Glory-Hole-in-the-Wall Gang
Doctors Without Boundaries
The Take-A-Fist Foundation

#unencouragingmoviepitches:
"I've got the rights to 'The Miracle of Morgan's Creek' and I've got the Octomom under contract. You do the math."

"They called him the Nureyev of clog dancing, and this is his tragic story..."

"Four words: 'Steven Seagal IS Pagliacci.'"

"It's 'Day of the Locust' meets 'Night of the Lepus.'"

#hillbillyretail:***
Y'allgreens
Whole Feuds
Targit-R-Done
Supercutoffs
Kay Jewhaters
That Hick Ory's Farm
Victoria's Rickets
Hot Toe-Pick
Race Traitor Joe's
Ratty Ol' Shack
T.G.I.Fried Possum's

#lettersthataren'tr:****
K

#1stdraftmovielines:
"You know how to whistle, don't you? Here, use this whistle."

"Round up the same fellows we pull in at times like this. You know, the real supicious ones."

"Rosehips."

#failedcatchphrases:
"Baby, you're the England Dan to my John Ford Coley."
"That's close enough for professional croquet."
"COLITIS!"
"You ain't just humming the theme from 'Exodus' there, partner."
"You ain't no Gordie Howe, girlfriend."
"Aw, tell it to the phrenologist!"
"Don't serve that watery flan to ME, mister!"
"I'm Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke, bitch!"
"That's my dybbuk!"
"Tickle that Serb, Agnes!"

* How many times have I recycled this one? A lot. I may have had only half-a-dozen or so inspired ideas in my life, but damned if I'm letting go of any of them.

** For some reason, this one failed to catch on.

*** I guess some of those are more "#redneckretail" than "#hillbillyretail." So sue me. My Southern relatives are.

**** See **.

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