SECOND-HAND TWEETS #2: A MINI-ANTHOLOGY

More of my various contributions to sundry twitmemes or whatever the hell they're called...

#dregsofcriterion:
"Two or Three Things I Left At Her House"
"The Ringtones of Madame de..."
"Le Shower D'Or"
"Wise Phlegm"
"The Man Who Fell Over in His Driveway"
"Last Year at Marion Barry's"

#existentialjokes:
A: Knock knock. B: Who's there? A: (silence) B: All is lost.

A priest, a cowgirl and a penguin walk into a bar. They do not move.*

#binaryjokes:**
00010: 1100010!
100001: 0000000111?
00010: 1!

#badcharities:
Toil for Tots (the #1 outsourcer for the world's sweatshops)
The National Overendowment for the Tarts
Ah'm Nasty International (renowned worldwide for releasing those trapped in the closet)
The Shasta McNasty House
The Glory-Hole-in-the-Wall Gang
Doctors Without Boundaries
The Take-A-Fist Foundation

#unencouragingmoviepitches:
"I've got the rights to 'The Miracle of Morgan's Creek' and I've got the Octomom under contract. You do the math."

"They called him the Nureyev of clog dancing, and this is his tragic story..."

"Four words: 'Steven Seagal IS Pagliacci.'"

"It's 'Day of the Locust' meets 'Night of the Lepus.'"

#hillbillyretail:***
Y'allgreens
Whole Feuds
Targit-R-Done
Supercutoffs
Kay Jewhaters
That Hick Ory's Farm
Victoria's Rickets
Hot Toe-Pick
Race Traitor Joe's
Ratty Ol' Shack
T.G.I.Fried Possum's

#lettersthataren'tr:****
K

#1stdraftmovielines:
"You know how to whistle, don't you? Here, use this whistle."

"Round up the same fellows we pull in at times like this. You know, the real supicious ones."

"Rosehips."

#failedcatchphrases:
"Baby, you're the England Dan to my John Ford Coley."
"That's close enough for professional croquet."
"COLITIS!"
"You ain't just humming the theme from 'Exodus' there, partner."
"You ain't no Gordie Howe, girlfriend."
"Aw, tell it to the phrenologist!"
"Don't serve that watery flan to ME, mister!"
"I'm Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke, bitch!"
"That's my dybbuk!"
"Tickle that Serb, Agnes!"

* How many times have I recycled this one? A lot. I may have had only half-a-dozen or so inspired ideas in my life, but damned if I'm letting go of any of them.

** For some reason, this one failed to catch on.

*** I guess some of those are more "#redneckretail" than "#hillbillyretail." So sue me. My Southern relatives are.

**** See **.

SECOND-HAND TWEETS #1: TRUE FACTS ABOUT CANADA

Never one to let a good gag go to waste, much less a dozen or so mediocre ones, I am herewith re-posting the #truecanadafacts I composed on Twitter this afternoon (in honor of Canada Day), interspersed with a couple of old gags on the subject from an article I wrote a long time ago. And later, I'm going to use them as inter-set filler on my radio show! So they're disposable and recyclable! If they were only funny, it'd be perfect!

• Canadian interrogators have been suspected of subjecting enemy combatants to the horrors of snowboarding.



• Recently released census data confirms that Canadians are the nationality most likely to use the expression "oh, geez."



• Canadian pornography is widely recognized as the most apologetic in the Northern Hemisphere.



• Toronto's CN Tower is the third-largest man-made structure in the world no one gives a shit about.



• Despite its name, "Canadian bacon" is actually a mineral.



• Canada has been available in color since 1971.



• Though popularly known as "Prime Minister," the official title of Canada's govermental leader is "Mr. Dressup."



• Chief exports: paper, rebar, mild embarrassment, resignation, Loverboy.



• The province of Alberta mysteriously disappeared in 1987, though no one noticed until this past March.



• Canada has more "Gordon"s per capita than any country in the industrialized world.



• To confuse and bewilder interlopers, many "Canadians" have been known to lapse without warning into a bizarre and incomprehensible patois known in some circles as "French."



• The official facial expression of Canada is the bemused smirk.



• Effective January 1, 2012, the Canadian national anthem will revert from "O Canada" to "something by April Wine."



• Their inhabitants emit a noxious liquid when threatened (Winnipeg only).



• Even they don't understand curling.