ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, HERE'S SOMETHING AT LEAST:

RADIO PSA (:60)

FADE UP on easy-listening instrumental, voices overlaid.

VOICE #1: I like softcore.

VOICE #2: I won Robert Conrad's autograph on eBay.

VOICE #3: I've seen Krull seven times.

VOICE #4: I lasted almost eight minutes once.

VOICE #5: A girl smiled at me on the commuter rail one morning.

VOICE #6: I've had a letter published in Maxim.

VOICE #7: Most dogs seem to like me.

MARTIN SHEEN:* They're our country's overlooked majority. Scarcely remarked upon because they're so unremarkable. They're the slightly below-average men of America. And without them, society would be a somewhat similar place. They're your hardware store assistant managers, your sports drink enthusiasts, your Hyundai owners. They're the people who keep "According to Jim" on the air. And they're tired of being ignored, but really rather resigned to it. For mere pennies a day, you can help them maintain that extra fifteen pounds around their waist, pay for the upkeep of their moderate amount of back hair, keep them saying things like "How's it hangin'?" and "Boy, that Bill Engvall sure is funny." Your support can help. But don't worry if you can't. They're not all that concerned about it. The painfully average men of America - they're not going anywhere.

ANNOUNCER: Paid for by three guys nicknamed "Buddy."

* Note - he's probably not available, so call his brother Joe. You can probably get him when Zombiegeddon II is finished filming.