Friday, February 04, 2005

PUBLIC SELF-CANNIBALISM IS A GOOD IDEA:

Rumor has it that peoplesforum.com is soon to be no more, which means that the following, out-of-context posts from said message board would likely be forever lost in the cybermists without this act of loving rescue and restoration. Again, don't worry if they make little-to-no sense. Instead, think of them as free-form prose poetry fit for declaiming sotto voce at your next troglodytic hipster soiree.

found somewhere in the gutter of the Internet:
Thank you for that jpeg of renowned TV smirker Joyce Lympfrist. Like you, I have for years been singularly tickled and delighted by the possibilities of the female form enwrapped (as I, too, am enrapt) in burlap. O, the years of transcendent manual manipulation at the mere memory-shadow of a dewy lass bemoistening that coarsely-woven sack of jute in which she is so rapturefully becased! All those hundreds, nay thousands, nay three flaxen, hempen ingenues I have personally besmirched with mine own soul-gloop, winched up from the well-pits of the smithery wherein the very railroad spikes of my empurpled passion are heated and hammered, much as my own erections were under the tender brutalities of the wittily inventive street gang I accidentally stumbled into one grape-sotted night in Malaga. Perhaps that is why I consider such sack-laden maidens to be works of art, given that my own epididymis now resembles a interesting but failed experiment in cubism.
(April 16, 2004)


If i was a cereal killer i would be Cap'n Crunch.

Captain Bartholomew Sucrosa Crunchovsky was a thrice-decorated Navy man during the Vietnam conflict (receiving a Medal of Honor, a Purple Heart, and a Green Clover) until he contracted a dose of syphilis from a Thai prostitute, which he left untreated until he went mad, his crunchberries shriveled, and he was kicked out of the Navy (official reason: a "dishonorable discharge").

Embittered and crazed, he returned to the States, took up residence in an abandoned factory in Battle Creek, Michigan, and gathered a cult of disenfranchised loners, freaks and layabouts, including such notorious-in-their-own-right figures such as Sonny "the Cuckoo Bird" Huchins, the pedophilic Bernard "Trix" Rabbitt, and the infamous incestuous homosexual triplets, Jerome ("Snap"), Daniel ("Crackle") and Mervin ("Pop") Khrispeez.

For a horrifying summer in the early 70s, unsuspecting families were sent colorfully designed packages with the message "FREE PRIZE INSIDE (while supplies last)!" scrawled on the front in what appeared to be either blood or Red Dye #3. When opened, the horrified recipients discovered the chopped-up, sugar-coated remains of various missing persons in the area, including noted Quaker Jedidiah Oates, young Marky Maypo, and 300-pound former boxer Sugar Bear Robinson. After a prolonged shootout between Crunchovsky's minions and FDA officials, the crazed Captain was captured, jailed, and sentenced to 8 essential life sentences in San Quispenquake Federal Penitentiary, where he remains to this day.

kill count: 78% of the recommended daily allowance of murderous mayhem

Find what cereal killer you would be, Take the Cereal Killer Quiz now! Or don't. We don't give a good goddamn. Why don't you get back to work, slacker?
(March 16, 2004)


I was just wondering if perhaps they did different versions of that (Britney Spears/Bob Dole) Pepsi spot for different regions. We got Dole up here, you got Haig (gazing down at his crotch: "I am no longer in charge here"), the South got Strom Thurmond urging the vision on the TV screen to bend over and squeal like a piggy, a couple of stations in the Midwest got the one Agnew filmed just before his death, mumbling something about "slavering shish-kabobs of sexed-up soft-drink shilling," etc.
(June 7, 2004)


I think it's high time Iggy (Pop) starts licensing other songs for commercial use, as "Lust for Life" is starting to grow a little stale. I suggest "Cock in My Pocket" for Taco Bell's new mini-spicy chicken wraps and "(I'm Living on) Dog Food" for an AARP PSA.
(May 23, 2004)

12 TREES OF BEEF HEADS
10 TREES OF SHIN BONES
20 TREES OF COD FAT
200 LBS. OF BEEF LIVERS
200 LBS. OF BEEF HEARTS
2 50 GALLON BARRELS OF LUNGS
2 50 GALLON BARRELS OF MILTS
8 HIND QUARTERS
8 LAMB'S HEADS
1 PIG
12 PIG'S HEADS
20 GALLONS OF BLOOD
100 BALES OF SAWDUST
25 LBS. OF HUMAN HAIR
600 YARDS OF LINGERIE FABRIC
900 YARDS BUTCHER PAPER
1 GALLON OF STRANGE MOODS PERFUME
48 YARDS OF PLASTIC SHEETING
24 FOAM RUBBER PILLOWS
(May 13, 2004)


Insulting names, now available royalty-free:
1. Cap-snaffler
2. Pastry stuffer
3. Gordon
4. Heedless jolthead
5. Undercooked turnover
6. Caulk succoror
7. Swordfishtrombonehead
8. Slightly irregular 100% Polypro government issue weight bottom
9. Michael Moriarty
10. PG tip
(March 12, 2003)

4 comments:

Drew Katsikas said...

Hey, Bill. No problem giving you the Can DVD. Don't bother acknowledging we exist as a simple return of favor. It's not like we would appreciate hearing from you.

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

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