Monday, March 24, 2003

Easier to transcribe than to think today, therefore...


SPY COMMANDER: All right, men, this is a very crucial covert operation so it's important that you're prepared. Your watches have all been pre-synchronized to ensure that every one of you carries out his part of the mission to the split second and they also contain a tiny radio transmitter that will broadcast your location to our secret satellite, Space Object One, which we launched this morning in a highly top-secret ceremony from an undisclosed location which may or may not be 278 Birch Street, Bayonne, NJ. For security reasons, you are hereby ordered to forget I just told you that. Each of your packs contain a cylindrical tartan-plaid liquid receptacle - you turn the dial concealed at the bottom of the receptacle to the east, it activates a miniature water purification system which will enable you to drink your own sweat, tears or urine without any ill effects and with a pleasant hint of lime; turn it to the west, it becomes a fragmentation grenade capable of killing all life within a fifty foot radius. It also keeps hot things hot and cold things cold for reasons that are classified. Your jackets are lined with a material that is highly impervious to adverse climatic conditions and temperatures as low as -700 degrees and as high as 5000 degrees Fahrenheit. Your gloves are on back order; keep your hands in your pockets just to be on the safe side. Now, you have all been supplied with a pill which you should keep under your tongue at all times. In the event of capture, bite down immediately. It's a mild mood stabilizer that should subvert any depression or feelings of self-loathing connected with your capture. Are any of you pregnant or nursing?

The spies, all men, shake their heads.

Okay, good. Very critically important - take these no more than four times a day and at least half an hour after mealtime. Failure to do so will put you in violation of the Geneva Convention and subject you to court-martial, possible prison time, dry mouth, dizziness, or nausea. Any questions?

SPY raises hand.

SPY: Excuse me, commander, but, ummm, what exactly is the purpose of this mission?

SPY COMMANDER: According to our directives from the Pentagon and the State Department, we've been spending far too much time indoors watching TV and eating junk food and we need to get out and get some fresh air in our lungs and stop moping around the house so much - approximately $7.6 billion has been set aside for this purpose. Okay, we will reconvene at 0500 hours tomorrow - cookout and talent show on the beachhead tonight at 0830 following the Arts & Crafts demonstration and the optional pony rides. Dismissed.

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