JESUS SELLS!

(FORTHCOMING SPINOFFS FROM THE HIT [and whip and scourge and torment and nail to a giant T-square] MOVIE OF THE YEAR):

Hey Judas - Distraught over his betrayal of our Lord and Savior (Jason Biggs), Judas (Donnie Wahlberg) attempts to hang himself, but is saved at the last moment by a rip in the space-time continuum (Michael Richards) that thrusts him two millennia into the future, where his brooding good looks and incessant self-loathing put him on the fast track to rock stardom faster than you can say "ridiculous plot contrivance." Before the end of the second reel, Iscariot and the Stick are the hottest young act on the Sunset Strip, despite the fact that he keeps reporting his bandmates to the authorities and none of his groupies will kiss him. It all comes to a head (Christopher Reeve) when, on the verge of signing a major contract, the band plays an industry showcase and an irate audience member cries out "Dylan!" Will Judas wind up embracing musical stardom or resign himself to his bleak destiny in order to save mankind? We'll let you know when all the preview audience comment cards come back.

Freaky Good Friday - Have you ever wondered what would happen if a tear in the fabric of reality caused Jesus and his mother Mary to magically switch places for a day? (If you have, you're guilty of copyright infringement and must surrender to the MPAA within thirty days.) Why is the Son of Man so bent on doing the dishes at the Last Supper? And why does the mother of the Son of Man keep laying hands on all the locals in an attempt to cure their mild colds? Just a few of the wacky mishaps and mixups that ensue in this brutal, unsparing, heartwarming comedy for the entire family. Before the day's out, Mary begins to understand the breadth and depth of her offspring's sacrifice, Jesus gets how tough it is to be a single mother, and we get to see a woman get the crap beat out of her for an hour straight without feminist groups picketing the theatre! Great ending, too - "Boy, Jesus, this certainly has been a trying day for both of us." "Don't worry, Mom, there's a three-day weekend coming up!"

Pilates of the Caribbean - Take one exhausted Roman prefect, add a nutty ripple in the stream of spatial and temporal relativity, mix with a gaggle of scantily-clad modern-day teens on Spring Break in Jamaica ready to teach him the meaning of "Roman fingers" (good thing he washed his hands first!), and what do you get?... You're right, not very much at all, really. But give us a break - our option on the title runs out in six months and we had to come up with something.

(Editor's Note: the forthcoming titles in the straight-to-video Old Testament Softcore series, including Begettin' Some!, Deuteronjeremy, and Go Down, Moses, were not available for review at press time. Thank Christ.)