Tuesday, April 15, 2003


The following CD was recieved at my place of employment several days ago, or at least I'm saying it was for the purposes of this mildly amusing riff:

Please note: This CD has been individually watermarked with a unique identification number embedded in the music. This number is traceable directly to the authorized recipient, which allows us to identify the source of any unauthorized copies or other reproductions of the music contained on this CD. The watermark is not changed or destroyed by extracting clips of the music, or by using any compression technology such as MP3. The sound quality of the audio playback is not affected. This CD is intended to be listened to solely by the intended recipient and no portion of its contents may be copied or reproduced in any manner, nor made available in any manner to any third party (whether by means of streaming, so-called "peer to peer" networks or mentioning to anyone that you've heard it). This CD contains an exclusive, personalized code that allows the authorized recipient to open a Web page with streaming, encoded audio and uncopyable MPEGs of rock critics and record store owners undergoing extreme and horrific forms of torture. Nobody can prove that this has anything to do with the fact that each of the now-maimed and/or deceased individuals in question left an advance copy of the new Fleetwood Mac album out where people could see it, but wouldn't you rather err on the side of caution? Unauthorized use of this CD is illegal and will also upset our executives greatly. Have you ever seen Ahmet Ertegun cry? We have. You don't want to. This CD may be played only once, after which it must be destroyed in the presence of (choose two:) a representative from the record industry, an Episcopalian minister, a thrice-decorated Marine sargeant, and/or folksy humorist/radio personality Garrison Keillor. After listening, please call the toll-free phone number embedded on the "play side" of this CD and one of our specially-trained experts will be at your house or place of employment within ninety minutes to perform a round of our patented Hypno-Shock therapy to erase any memory of having heard this CD and to induce vomiting every time it's mentioned for a period of up to six weeks. If the intended recipient knows anybody in the movie industry, we just thought of a cool pitch: a story about college students who download the latest installment of a popular fantasy trilogy several months before its theatrical release, and they all wind up dead seven days later at the hands of the shadowy New Line Cinema promotions department. We call it The Lord of the Ring. You are hereby ordered to chuckle appreciatively at that. Whistling or humming any portion of the music contained in this CD is unlawful and will result in a lengthy prison sentence, just because it annoys the piss out of us when people do that. This CD is enhanced with a variety of multimedia files and should not be played on a computer. This CD should not be played on a Walkman or a portable stereo or inside a Jeep. In fact, it's probably best not to play it at all. Back away slowly with your hands in full view of the CD. Thank you in advance for your understanding...Enjoy!

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