7:00 PM – (EEE!) Excess Hollywood. Tonight: Miley Cyrus’ Coke-and-aspirin binge, behind the scenes at Glee’s special Caligula episode, and Tinseltown’s wackiest vajazzle mishaps.
(BROMO) Hoard’oeuvres. Featured: a broom closet full of canapes, an enormous crock of what we hope is tapenade, and a pile of crackers as big as the Ritz.
(VH3.14159265) Behind and Slightly to the Left of the Music: Sniff ‘N The Tears. Apparently Sniff was a bit of a prick. (REPEAT)
7:30 PM – (OLD VICELODEON) iClaudius. Spencerius gets upset when Gibbous wins the best locker in school , so he poisons and disembowels him live on the Internet.
(FLAN) America’s Least-Funny Animals. Semi-finals: blind, one-legged spaniel vs. malnourished ferret with alopecia.
(FOXTOONS) Little Johnny Birch. (REPEAT)
(D&C) Magical Realist Housewives of Atlanta. Lena prepares to throw a party for HeHe’s one-woman show/CD single release; Cynndie seeks an apology from Jinalle for joking about her manicure in public; Ephaedra turns into a crow.
8:00 PM – (BMTV) 16 and Oozing.
(GULP) Ironic Chef. The eight remaining chefs each claim that their dishes aren’t “meant” to taste “good,” that a PBR sauce is “better” than one made with white wine, and that those beard hairs are “supposed” to be in the soup.
(EVICT) House Humpers. (PREMIERE) A Xenia, Ohio couple want a two-story, three-bedroom home with a walk-in closet and an ample wine cellar to rub up against. (last show of the series)
8:30 PM – No programming. Satellite being cleaned.
9:00 PM – (BASURA) Las Ronchas de Amor. Si usted puede leer esto, se le poco ser deportados.
(TDM) The Big How-Do-You-Do of 1938 (1943). A bunch of wacky hoopdedoo, ooh-la-la and hummana-hummana featuring an all-star cast of zanies, wackadoos and froot loops, most of whom later died horrifically. Gummo Marx, Burntcork Whegro, The Conjoined Sisters. (B&W)
9:30 PM – (UH) Is That Sausage? Spoiler alert: no, it isn’t.
(IBS) Schoolhouse Rock: The Lost Episodes. Long-suppressed installments of the famed educational cartoon series, including “Preposition H,” “Six is a Vengeful Number,” and “Semicolonoscopy.”
(N/A) This Week in Curling. Either about the Canadian ice sport or advances in hair care. No one can say for sure.
10:00 PM – (ERM) Ambivalence with Gerard Desjardins (or Someone Else). A hard-shadow-boxing look somewhere on the periphery of politics, unless somebody objects. No holds barred, but none particularly encouraged, either. (Note: this program may cease to exist at any time, in which case this channel may broadcast the film The Non-Commitments, or something else, or nothing at all. But don’t quote us on that.)
(YIN) Mom, There’s a Guy With an Evil Glint in His Otherwise Dead Eyes – Can He Sleep Over? (1992) A cautionary tale for mothers everywhere – don’t allow your daughter to appear in TV-movies like this. Budapest Ramada, Judith Baxter-Bertinelli, Rondo Hatton Jr.
10:30 PM – (BULK) Rod Serley’s Night Galleria. “They’re Gnawing on Ted Killy’s Foot” – a dissipated adventurer (Arte Johnson) takes a bet to stay overnight in a haunted doll factory, where he’s tormented by the ghosts of a thousand intestinal parasites (voice of Jo Ann Pflug), one or more of whom might be either Satan or the Wolfman (Walter Koenig). It transpires he could actually be in Hell (Larry Storch) or an adaptation (Stella Stevens) of an H.P. Lovecraft (David McCallum) short story (Richard Beymer), where time (Rosey Grier) keeps repeating (Keir Dullea) endlessly (Simon Oakland). Stay for the ironic twist ending (Sue Lyon), where the writer (Susan Anspach) forgets to write one (Bob Crane).
(SWATCH) Craftwork with Kraftwerk. Florian Schneider painstakingly makes an analog synth cosy, all for the sake of a dumb pun.
11:00 PM – (BONGTOONS) Stick Figures Vomiting.
(GUH) Late Evening with the Smirky Drunk Chick and Her Sycophantic Gay Friends. Tonight’s special guests: none.
(NNN) The News in Shouted, Incoherent Fragments. Repeats every hour; features Weeping the Headlines (:10), Financial Update with Stifled Giggles (:27), and Weather in a Bucket (:43).
11:30 PM – (BBC CANADA U.S.) There’s a Bleeding Pouf in My Sodding Flat! One of Great Britain’s most enduring sitcoms, by which we mean it never seems to fucking end. Complete marathon of every episode ever aired, all three of them. Felicity Mendacity, Roddy Brooke-Troutt, Graeme O’Koch.
(HISCOVERAGE) Len & Julie Have Seventeen Kids, Eight of Whom Have No Face Including Three of the Four Who Weigh Over 300 Pounds Each (SEASON FINALE) After the Discoverage Network merges with the Historical Channel, the family is subjected to forced sterilization and a modern death camp. The feel-good episode of the year.
12 MID. – (ALL CHANNELS) Time-Life’s “Soft Rock Hits of the Seventies” Infomercial Repeated Until Dawn.