ONE II:

(sorry about this, i thought you said "three dog fight." i'll change the picture before anyone sees the post.  - art director)

(a little number, in fact a series of them, I hope to perform live one of these days, for singer and increasingly horrified accompanist, who begins by playing a familiar tune:)

One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do

Two can be as lonely as one, it's the loneliest number since the number one

Three is socially inept, he keeps touching people inappropriately when he doesn't even know them

Four weeps uncontrollably when anyone says the words "relationship" or "mother"

Five stays in all weekend sending nude tweets of himself to unsuspecting consonants and ellipses

Six hasn't changed his clothes in over a year and won't be able to leave his house without the jaws of life and some cooking lubricant

Seven ate nine while fourteen and fifteen watched, the video of which got a record number of hits on the numeral-porn website, crunchingnumbers.org, but somebody recognized him and he got fired from his job at the state house - he is now working part-time helping ghostwrite Rick Santorum's memoirs

Ten - well, nobody heard from ten for about a month-and-a-half until one day when the neighbors noticed an ungodly stench coming from his studio apartment and they knocked on the door for half an hour with no response (accompanist stops playing) so finally they broke down the door and found stacks and stacks of unopened mail, takeout containers and soiled underclothes (accompanist walks off in disgust) and the neighbors had to cover their faces with wet washcloths and wandered through the place, tripping over stacks of illegal pornography involving lowercase letters and bizarre artwork sculpted from what they can only assume was his own ordure until they discovered that feral cats had eaten more than half of... (forcibly pulled off stage)  What?  What?  It's all true!  It's all true!!!...

(curtain)